butterfly effect

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

would you really change the past if you had the option? your future might change along with the present. is it worth it? would you do it? 

do you ever wish you could go back in time and change something you did or said? i know i've thought about that before, like "hey God if you could just give me one more chance not to do that thing or say those words, things would be so much better." but really, if you could change things, should you? most definitely not. have you ever heard of the butterfly effect? not the song, but like the theory? well, i'll tell you about it. so the butterfly effect is the theory that if you went back in time and changed one little thing, then really everything would spiral out of control and everything at this very moment would be different.

i'll give you a real life example here. okay so let's go back into time when aubrey (me) was looking at colleges. i toured grand valley, cornerstone, hope, and calvin. i was 99.99% sure i was going to go to cornerstone and become a youth pastor. that was my goal, but obviously God had bigger, better plans for me and i ended up at grand valley. but let's pretend for a second that i went to cornerstone. i wouldn't have met so many people that i call my best friends, i wouldn't have found an amazing church that i now call home, i wouldn't have met the love of my life (kidding, still haven't met him yet. maybe i would have if i didn't go to gvsu(woah, butterfly effect)), and i honest to God probably wouldn't be writing a blog post about the butterfly effect.

isn't this such a wild thing to think about?

so i guess all that being said, never regret any decisions you make in life. chances are, if you were to change a small decision you made in the past, the present and the future would look inevitably different, maybe even worse.

so ladies and gentlemen, go live your life with this new piece of knowledge and stop living with regrets, you can't change the past and if you could, you wouldn't want to.

xoxo, aubs 

inner workings of my brain

Monday, February 19, 2018

welcome to my brain. my brain is a collection of many weird thoughts, anxieties, motivators, etc. but today, i'm just going to share a couple weird thoughts i've had recently and just elaborate on them. so let's begin, shall we?

okay, time is literally only a concept, but we let it dictate so much of our lives. what time we will wake up, what time we have class, what time we eat, what time we sleep, what time we go out on dates, what time we hang out with friends, etc. time dictates every aspect of our lives, but time is just a concept created by humans. time isn't even a real thing, like yes God made day and night, but he didn't specifically say "the sun will set at blah blah blah time" or "everyone will eat at this time." time is just a restraint that mankind created to make our lives easier to live, but i seem to find that time sometimes makes my life harder. so maybe we just need to take some time and ponder on how much not having time is holding us back.

now for my next thought, i have a question for you all. are you living how you want to live or are you living how society wants you to live? looking at my own life, i seem to find that a lot of the time i'm living how society wants me to live. society wants me to go to college, society wants me to drive a nice car, society wants me to find a husband, society wants me to have children. i mean i also want to go to college and get married and have children. but, if society didn't want me to do those things, would i feel the pressure to do them? probably not. it's weird how much society influences us or holds us back. society says i am a millennial, therefore society already declared that i am not a hard worker, that i won't have a successful love life, that i'll fail over and over again. but that's not even true, because i don't follow society's rules, i follow God's rules. this thought kind of reminds me of christine caine's talk from passion. she questioned us all, "who told you?" who told you, you needed to go to college? who told you, that you needed to find a spouse right now? who told you, that you'll never be successful? God never said these things, therefore they can't be true.

i wake up at 5 am everyday, even though my alarm is set for 7 am. why do i wake up at the same time everyday? maybe it's because i'm not spending enough time with God and He's trying to tell me something. i know that's what it has been in the past, so maybe He's trying to reach me again. maybe it's just my anxiety waking me up and freaking me out, it's also been that before. maybe it's because i have a poet's brain and can't keep my thoughts at bay, even when i'm sleeping. i've written some of my best lines, while being half asleep. it really could be a variety of things.

i'm seriously just trying to get you all to think about some things, that i'm sure you've questioned before.

so here's another one. how do we actually know how were feeling, if we have a word for every emotion? do we actually know what emotions are or are they just words? do we actually know what happiness is or sadness? do we know what hurt feels like? hurt is just a word, not a feeling. if you feel like your heart is being ripped into pieces, do you think hurt justifies that feeling? if you can't get out of bed or stop the tears from flowing, are you really just sad? emotions are just words that we gave meaning to, it's actually so weird to me.

okay, here's another thought for you all. why is halsey sooooo relatable? i'm just listening to her music and it's all just so relatable. like girl my life is falling apart too, but i'm still loving life. remember when i met halsey and cried? same. she's just such an inspiring force, don't @ me.

i was going to end this post and mentioned i was crazy, so now i have another random thought about craziness. so ya'll probably think i'm crazy, which i am. we are all crazy, some more than others. you just have to decide how crazy you want to be and then one day you'll find someone who likes your crazy and you like theirs. wait, so we're basically searching for someone who will compliment our craziness! isn't that just crazy?

i am done scaring you with my thoughts, hope i got you thinking about some of these things. tweet me about your crazy thoughts, i'm curious!

xoxo, aubs

excerpt from my journal no. 43

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

it has almost been a year since i posted a journal excerpt, which is actually really hard to believe. i don't remember why i stopped posting them. so i guess to make up for it, here is a poem i recently wrote about red lights (inspired by the song "red" by miki ratsula).

01/28/18 untitled
i want to kiss you
at every red light
both figuratively and literally 

i want to kiss you
when life gets hard
and when shit happens

i want to kiss you
in the 30 seconds we have 
at each intersection

i want to kiss you

okay that is it. lol bye. it's not about anyone in particular so don't ponder on that too much (or is it? i guess you'll never know)

xoxo, aubs

caffeine dreaming

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

a college student's key to success: coffee + tea + energy drinks. but are all these things really good for us? is it good to constantly feed ourselves stimulants or is it really making things worse? should we really be proud to say we had six cups of coffee or three red bulls? or should we actually be worried? i think we should be worried about our caffeine consumption.

the majority of college students suffer from some form of mental illness, most commonly, anxiety and depression. and did you know that caffeine and sugar are two of the leading causes of anxiety? isn't that crazy that we constantly consume things that can increase our anxiety?

i mean that's what happened to me. i was drinking about five or six cups of coffee a day; three to tame the headaches and two to three to keep myself awake and alert. but i was also ridden with constant anxiety. i was overdoing it for sure. my anxiety was so bad that my therapist from maven said i should try cutting back to 3 cups a day and work myself down to one or none. (yo, check out maven for real. it's such a great service! use my code for a 10 min appointment credit GRANDVALLEYAS) i don't like to do things half way, so i just decided to cut coffee out of my life all together. that was in october and now it's january and i maybe have a cup of coffee once a month. in october when i gave up coffee, i felt so many withdrawal symptoms and it even made my anxiety and depression worse for a while. i was making dumb decisions (nothing dangerous, just dumb). but soon the caffeine withdrawal symptoms subsided and i felt like a human again. i woke up feeling less anxious (it wasn't gone, because as you know anxiety doesn't just disappear) and i even started sleeping better. it's crazy how much better i feel without caffeine.

now i'm not saying caffeine is bad because sometimes you really just need it to get through the day (like right now i'm consuming a red bull because i got 4 hours of sleep last night, i have to work a closing shift, and because red bull sent me some in the mail), but i am saying that it's not good to depend on it. caffeine isn't good when it becomes something you're addicted to, when you need it to get you through the day. caffeine is a drug, an extremely addictive one, that not many people think about. are you addicted to caffeine? are you ridden with anxiety? do you feel like a robot? yeah? you might want to think about cutting back on caffeine. you might start to feel more like yourself again.

christmas eve eve

Saturday, December 23, 2017

hey friends! it's been awhile, but i'm back. i don't know about you, but winter kind of puts me in a deep hole. i mean it is scientifically proven that winter can make depression and anxiety worse, hence why i haven't blogged since november (oops).

but like seriously, does anyone else feel like the holidays are just about the busyness, stress, chaos, craziness, etc? i mean it's Christmas eve eve and i still haven't ordered my dad his Christmas present, i haven't given my secret santa the second half of her gift yet, my face is breaking out like there is no tomorrow, my eczema is attacking me, and don't even get me started on my depression. i just feel like i've forgotten why we even celebrate Christmas. can you relate? i'm sure you can, because you are human, aren't you?

i don't want to just talk about stress and depression, because that's not what this post is for (peep a future post maybe). i want to give myself and maybe you some steps you can take on this Christmas eve eve to center yourself with God and remember the reason why we're celebrating.

before i give us these steps, because we are in this together, let me just set the scene and tell you the story of Christmas. so now imagine you're sitting in your snowflake pajama pants, sipping on a warm beverage. the tree is adorned with soft white lights and ornaments from your childhood. the fire is crackling and Christmas classics are playing in the distance. you spot the manger under the Christmas tree, portraying the greatest event of all time, the birth of our Savior.

approximately 2020 years ago, a baby was born. this baby wasn't just any baby, He was born to a young virgin woman, in a manger, surrounded by animals. this baby was God in the flesh, He was to be light in a dark world. He came to save sinners, to love the broken, to take the punishment that we all deserve. yeah presents are pretty cool, but what's even cooler is that God came down to earth in the most vulnerable form, a baby, to give us the gift of salvation.

so now that you've been reminded of the greatest thing that has ever happen, let's move onto some steps you can take to remember this everyday of the year, but especially through the next few days when chaos tries to overwhelm you.

01) sit and listen. right when you wake up just sit and listen. don't say anything. just let God speaks to you. we typically grab our phones and see what everyone is up to before we can even hear God's voice. He might have something really important to tell you, so take a second and breathe.

02) open your Bible. try opening to a random page and just start reading. underline anything that stands out to you. ponder on words that you need to hear.

03) grab a pen and some paper. write out your thoughts. i'm not a good talker, but i like to think i'm a good writer. maybe you'd rather just talk to God, either way, He'll hear what you have to say. He wants to spend time with you.

04) go to church. attend a Christmas eve service or even a Christmas day service. if you're in the metro detroit area check out northridge church tomorrow. and if you're in the grand rapids area check out crossroads tomorrow or on Christmas.

05) ask for help. many times we feel like we're weak when we ask for help, but i think we're more weak when we pretend we're fine. we are all broken, so seek help if you need it. talk to a pastor, talk to a friend, or talk to a mental health professional(use code GRANDVALLEYAS). God gave us resources, it's time we use them.

so i hope these helped you out, because now i'm gonna go spend some time with the man who started this all, Jesus. hopefully i'll be back to blog after Christmas, if not it'll be after passion (oh yeah I'm going to passion in dc! if you'll be there tweet me, or tweet me even if you're not going.) anyways, Merry Christmas friends! love you all lots.

xoxo, Aubrey 

fall thoughts

Thursday, November 2, 2017

is it seriously the beginning of novemeber? where in the world has the time gone? also, where have i been? I haven't blogged since september 12, and i'm just going to say sorry and move onto this blog post. so it's fall and i've just been doing some thinking, so here are my most random fall thoughts.

01. cafe miel is the best espresso drink in the world. it's basically a latte, but it's made with cinnamon and honey. it's just the perfect warm drink for the cold weather. you can't get it at starbucks so don't even try. but you can find it at most independent coffee shops. if you live in the gr area, madcap and the rower's club both have it + they're my favorite places to hang. try it and love it. 

02. a la croix a day will keep the sadness away. i mean it won't actually make your problems go away, but it will make you feel some happiness for the amount of time it takes you to drink it (aka 5 seconds). 

03. if you can complete one tiny task a day you should be proud of yourself. make your bed, brush your teeth, brush your hair. start your day out doing something, even if it's mundane, you still did it. go you! 

04. leggings are pants. don't let real adults tell you that leggings aren't pants. pants suck in general and if you try telling me that the comfiest pants aren't actually pants, then bye! 

05. you gotta splurge a little sometimes. pay your rent and celebrate by buying something you really want. go to trader joe's or go on redbubble. get some food or some stickers or anything else you really really want. 

06. Jesus wants to hang out with you. i struggle with talking to Jesus because i don't want to bother Him with my problems, but for real, He wants to hear about your problems because He's really the only one who can help you with them. He's never bothered by you. 

07. when you put struggles into a Christian, the end result is beautiful. this past weekend at church, my pastor talked about struggles and how we grow from them so yeah, your struggles will have beauty in them, i promise. trust me, i know how hard it is to see beauty in brokenness, but it's there. 

08. spend money on cups. @ all my friends who tell me that i spend too much money on cups. i like my cups, they are pretty. my cups make me happy so, i will continue spending my money on cups, good day. 

09. there is nothing i love more than worshiping my Maker and Redeemer. i've been trying to worship Him more everyday, whether it be diving into His word or spending time in prayer. worship is the one gift that we can give to Him. don't you think He deserves this gift, especially after all He's done for us?

10. i'm almost 20 and i want to not. i do not want to be half way to 40. i do not want to be an adult anymore. can i just not please? let me just switch the 2 and the 0 and be 02 because being 2 years old is a lot easier than being 20.

i know these thoughts were random, but it's what's been going on in my head. hopefully i'll be back soon, or maybe i'll take 2 months again.

xoxo, Aubs

i am where i am

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

right now, i'm sitting in the marketplace starbucks at gvsu. i'm taking a break from my huge load of homework to write this blog post. it doesn't seem like a very great idea to stop doing my homework, but i just feel like God is pushing me to write this right now.

i'm sitting here in athletic shorts (even though i never actually do anything athletic), a little mermaid t-shirt, my hair is damp, and i have a massive zit on my forehead that not even 3 layers of concealer can cover. i'm trying to plan out the rest of my week, mainly my free time because i find it hard to relax unless i schedule it in. i'm pondering on some things that are hard to comprehend and having a lot of anxiety around them and just daily life. i miss my people back home, but i love being here as well. i'm feeling a little stuck in a rut. but hey, i am where i am for a reason.

God has put me in this place, without showing me the way out, but he's doing this for a reason. i am right where he wants me in this moment. it's hard to believe that God would ever want me stuck, but i believe He is doing it to teach me something. i am in a place that no one posts about on social media, that no one has glamorized, that no one really talks about. but hey, i am talking about this place because i strongly believe God wants you to know that someone else (me) is in a rut just like you. that hey, we are both going to get out of here. that, we're going to get those bricks off our chests soon. that, your panic attack or depression or loneliness or feeling of rejection; isn't where you have to stay forever.

now, i don't exactly know how to get out of the rut i'm in, but i also know that i don't need to get out of it at this exact moment in time. i know that maybe this rut is where i'll meet someone else in a rut and we will help each other out. that, maybe this rut will help me grow closer to God. that this rut has a purpose, other than being utterly annoying. this rut is where i am right now, and hey, that's okay with me.

xoxo, Aubs